The Dreaded DNF

Its the moment we all dread as athletes. The moment where a decision needs to be made. The question that circles through our heads.... can I complete what I came to do, or do I have to stop?

There have been 3 occasions in my athletic competitive age group years where I have experienced a DNF (did not finish). I remember each occasion distinctly. It is never an easy decision for me, and even after the conclusion has been made, that I need to pull out of the race, the emotions and conflict that continue in my head afterwards, is a battle. As I know it is for many. Many of us age group athletes sign up for races, put money and time towards them, time away from family and also drag our families to these events. It can be a selfish endeavor, and when you pull out of a race, it feels like you have let everyone down and wasted time and money in pursuit of this goal.

My first DNF was at Ironman Madison Wisconsin in 2019. The swim had been the choppiest in history for the race, it was cold, rainy and my body did not like the cold. 90km into the bike my back seized up on a particularly long climb, and when I reached the special needs station, I was done. I couldn't release my back and my day was over. Still, while I knew it was the right decision instinctively, my mind kept telling me I was weak, I've let everyone who supported me down, and I let myself down.

My 2nd and 3rd DNFs came after the birth of our son. Ironman 70.3 Cairns - I was ill prepared in so many ways. Motherhood had come with it's physical and emotional changes and challenges, and while my mind thought I was still the same athlete, I was not. Physically i was not prepared for the rigors of the day, I hadn't practiced in salt water more than once, my training had not been consistent enough. So when I came out of the swim, my stomach was sick from the salt water and I couldn't take any nutrition in on the bike. By the time I got to the run, i was dehydrated, cramping and bonking. I got 7km into the run and I had to end my day. This was probably mentally the toughest I had been on myself. I hadn't listened to my husband's suggestions over the months, and hadn't prepared my equipment properly, I didn't expose myself to the elements, and the list of mistakes goes on. Again, I beat myself up over and over about what I had done wrong.

My most recent and 3rd DNF was earlier this week at Race the North Face 50km ultramarathon. I had trained and done the work, but I wasn't as strong as I wanted to be. The course is quite hilly with steep ups and downs, and while in a section that was not rocky, rooty or treacherous in anyway, I landed funny on a descent and immediately had pain through my foot, soleus and calf. After walk/jogging a while, the muscles just started to seize and I had to decide if I was going to do the 2nd loop, and possibly risk a serious injury in doing so, or pull out, rest up, release the muscles and get back after it for the next race. I decided to stop. Emotionally I found this tough, even though again, I knew it was the right decision. I had been on point for a very good race, and just like that it was over.

So why am I talking about my DNFs? Well, so many people experience this in their athletic lives, and rarely do we talk about the mental and emotional effect it has on us. It is important to acknowledge this. Sit in it, acknowledge your feelings and then move through them. A "did not finish", is not the end. Lessons are learned within each of these experiences that can be brought forward into coaching, racing and life in general. Sometimes we need an experience to push us out of our comfort zones so that we can truly grow.

By Ashley Gilholm